I love that scene from The Lord of the Rings where Gandalf stands on the bridge between some sort of fiery demon and his friends declaring, “You … shall not … pass!” (Extra LOTR nerd points if you know the name of that creature. And, if you are totally clueless as to what I’m talking about you can catch that scene HERE.)
As parents, we sometimes draw hard lines like that with our kids … You shall not pass! And we do need to establish rules. Children feel more secure when they have firm boundaries. But I’m afraid sometimes we draw the lines too tight and for wrong reasons. Not every bridge is worth dying on – as Gandalf does at the end of this scene. (ooops .. spoiler)
Here are some tips to help when trying to decide if it’s time to chill out or take a stand and tell the demon, “This far and no more.”
- Be the person you want them to become.
Raising godly children begins with being a godly parent. If we expect our kids to be honest then we need to be honest. You will reap in your children what you sow in your own life.
- Make “Yes” your default response.
When our kids ask to do something the safe answer is “no.” No doesn’t require us to do anything. No doesn’t require us to think through the possible consequences or benefits. No is effortless so often we say, “No” without even thinking. But, unless there is an obvious reason that what they are asking is not a good idea, why not try giving them some liberty. That way, when you do have to say “no,” they still won’t like it but at least they will know you gave it some thought.
- Make sure you are not drawing a line out of pride or concern for what others will think.
As parents, our concern needs to be what is best for our child not “what will other people think.” I could be a perfect parent and still be the focus of constant criticism. The only perfect man to ever live was daily attacked as a demon and sinner. My rules need to focus more on what God will think than on what others might think. Keep loose lines unless it involves a moral or (extreme) danger issue.
- The hill worth dying on.
Focus on attitudes, not actions. All children do foolish things. But if their heart is right praise that even if you have to discipline them over some misbehavior. Like a moth is drawn toward a light, your children will go toward that which you praise in them. Praise good attitudes. Praise a tender heart. Praise them whenever they demonstrate any of the fruit the Holy Spirit produces.
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Galatians 5:22, 23
But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!
This is such an important topic, here are some more tips on setting boundaries:
A shocking truth about rules and kids.
Are you making these three mistakes in setting rules?
Three tips for setting reasonable boundaries.
How to make sure your child wins big every time.
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