Somewhere around Middle School a bizarre creature took over my daughter’s brain making it impossible to understand her – at least impossible for me. I would give her a clear instruction and she would totally ignore it and often do just the opposite.
Several times when I was about to “lower the boom” my wife gently pulled me aside and said, “I don’t think she understood you.”
“How could she not understand!? It was plain English?”
“No, Rick, I think she didn’t understand. Let me talk with her.” Jana would talk to her and she would happily comply. During this phase in life she was so baffling that I finally told Jana, “I don’t understand her at all. I’ve got to pull back and let you take the lead here. Let me know what I need to do.”
I wasn’t abdicating my responsibility but I had to trust my wife to steer the ship through these strange, uncharted waters called “Middle School Girl”. After that, things went well. Sometimes I had to bite my lip to keep from saying something but my wife’s “weird” navigation methods worked and we all survived.
The point is this. You and your spouse are different. Your children are different. Your perspective, background, experience allows you to understand things your spouse can’t. Take advantage of each other’s strengths. Listen and learn from each other. There is usually not just one right way to do things and, believe it or not, you could be wrong.
I saw this again recently when visiting this same daughter who is now an amazing mom. Her four year old, our first granddaughter, Adi, was alone in the bathroom crying. It was one of those drama queen cries – the kind that gets quiet, then erupts into an almost scream followed by some whimpering and another eruption. I tried to sit quietly and let my daughter handle it. But neither she nor my wife seemed to notice anything was going on. “OK, this needs to stop”, I thought. I was ready to step in and put an end to this nonsense.
“She just needs to cry it out”, Charis said. “That’s right.”, Jana assured me. “Leave her alone and she will be fine in a few minutes.”
“Not likely”, I thought. But I quietly sat down expecting the “opera” to go on until they would eventually beg me to step in and help my granddaughter gain control of herself.
Within 2 minutes the bathroom door opened, a cheery little girl emerged, went straight to her mother and said, “I’m sorry”. It was over. I was totally dumbfounded.
Parenting requires humility and flexibility. Kids change. They go through stages. You need to flex and adjust, too. Work together. Pray together. Stay humble. None of us has it all figured out but together we are going to survive – and so are our kids.
He has shown you, O man, what is good and what the Lord requires of you. Do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8
Your Turn
What have you learned about working together as a team?
Single parents – I salute you! How do you do it? Can you share some tips that might help other single moms or dads out there?
1 Comment
Thank you for all the insights. I did try to put boundaries on my son’s playing video games and the drama before going to school this week and I’m very pleased of the results and I’m so surprised how fast he comply. Again, thank you and looking forward to read more of your article.