I heard a critic of spanking say, “Spanking is ineffective because it doesn’t change a child’s behavior.” Really? I know it changed my behavior when I was a kid and it changed my kids’ behavior when I was the dad.
But there are four things I’ve observed that actually can make spanking ineffective and counterproductive?
- Spanking too often
Spanking is a God-endorsed method of discipline but it shouldn’t be the immediate response every time a child misbehaves. I believe it should be reserved for:
- A child in open rebellion – he knows what’s expected and willfully chooses to put his will above the will of his parents (or another authority).
- When a child intentionally injures another person. In this case the punishment fits the crime.
- Spanking inconsistently
When a child refuses to obey if I put off spanking by threatening, badgering, counting to three, acting like I didn’t see it – anything to keep from taking action – I encourage them to continue in their rebellion. I am actually rewarding them by allowing them to do what they want with no meaningful consequences.
Then when I do take action the child can easily – and perhaps rightly – feel I’m being unjust and mean. I let him get away with it time after time. How can I justify spanking him this time for doing the same thing I’ve repeatedly ignored?
- Spanking in anger or frustration
I believe when we spank our children in anger it can actually plant seeds of resentment in their hearts. They realize we’re trying to hurt and not help them. They sense our actions are a selfish response to our own irritation or inconvenience, not an expression of love that says, “I care about you enough that I refuse to allow you continue to behave this way.”
- Spanking inadequately.
Spanking is intended to confront and conquer the self-will of a child. If we spank and they remain resistant, talk back or continue in rebellion then we have not conquered their self-will. I’ve seen parents spank only to the point of irritating a child but not conquering the self-will, which actually strengthens the will.
Obviously a spanking should not injure a child but with some children it takes more force to conquer their will than with others. With some just your disapproval will break their self-will and a spanking may not even be necessary. With others you may have to intensify your actions – but, to repeat, not to a point of injuring a child.
So what do you do when you have spanked, the will is not conquered but to intensify it could injure the child? I prepared a information sheet that offers some suggestions. Get a copy for free here.
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